Unexpected Blessings

If you know me personally, you know that my oldest son, Isaac, has some pretty significant special needs -- I guess the most appropriate description is that he is pretty severely autistic.  I haven't written much about this on my blog for several reasons (probably the foremost is that it is such a huge piece of my day to day life, that I spend so much time worrying, thinking, and praying over -- that I'm almost all talked out about it when I get to updating my blog -- which I view as more of an escape to talk about fun trivialities).  Even now, the thought of cataloguing all the challenges that effect his day to day life (and consequently mine) feels exhausting and is definitely not the point of this post.  But I guess over the past several days I've been thinking about writing about one way that his trials have positively affected our family.

I am not obsessive about reading blogs devoted to families with those with special needs, but I do follow a few people that I know personally and a couple more mainstream ones I read occasionally.  Often these blogs are full of embarrassing daily stories that are difficult and even sometimes humorous --  many of which I can relate too.  Frequently they voice frustrations over how people outside of their family treat them or their child with special needs in an unfair or judgmental well and I would be lying if I didn't say I have had my fair share of these experiences too, but one thing that I don't think gets discussed enough are the many ways that random people make a positive difference as well.

I am getting quite accustomed to making some sort of scene or getting noticed in public when I have Isaac with me -- whether its at church, the store, or the park.  Often it doesn't take people long to figure out that Ike has some unique challenges, but sometimes its easy to confuse him with a child that is perfectly normal that is just acting totally inappropriate....this is mostly because he is so gosh darn beautiful (no I'm not bias), that his physical attributes give no clue to his mental handicap.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if you were able to tell he had difficulties just by looking at him as it would make people more understanding, but alas for better or worse he's a heartbreaker.

There was a time when after these public "episodes," I would feel frustrated/disappointed/hurt by the way strangers would treat me or my son or things they would say to me, and I would find myself complaining about it, which lets be honest is just reliving it.  Then I decided I was going to instead of being annoyed with people, just give them the benefit of the doubt.  Most likely they have no idea what challenges Ike has, most likely they don't know how hard I am working to help him the best I can without inconveniencing others, most likely they don't know how mortified I already feel that he may be ruining their experience, most likely they are just having an awful day and wouldn't be so rude otherwise.  Its amazing because once I started actively trying to think like this, things got better.  No, Ike's behavior didn't get better -- if anything his anxiety is hitting a high note lately making even simple things really difficult for him and often anxiety attack inducing.  But I noticed a lot of more people went out of their way to be nice to me or help me, or even give me a commiserating smile.  Perhaps this was happening all along and I just didn't notice.

In fact last week when I went to costco (with both boys and extremely pregnant), some woman came over and insisted on unloading all of my groceries into the back of my car while I dealt with the boys.  At first I wanted to protest because the back of my car was a mess and I was embarrassed and I didn't know if Ike was going to pull out a huge chunk of my hair when I tried to get him from the cart to the car, but luckily I thought twice and decided to let her help me as I drove away I was no longer caring whether or not my trunk was clean enough for a perfect stranger to put groceries in, but was just grateful that someone took time out of their (no doubt very busy) day to help me.  I feel like I do not do this enough myself.  The more I have been trying to think kindly of others, the more I have realized how completely inadequate I often am myself at stretching outside of my own trials to help someone else.

This post is probably a bit out of place on this blog (which I almost never update anymore -- sorry), but I just thought I should record it, because who knows probably in three months I will need to reread it myself.

funk much?

Lately I've been in a bit of a funk. A myriad of reasons have contributed to it -- some good, some insignificant reasons. The problem is that I am much more of a pragmatic person than an emotional person, so I have little patience for myself when I find I have been swept away on some emotional dalliance. Observations I've made about myself over the past month reconfirm:

 1. I am not good at waiting for things to happen. I like to make things happen now. If an idea strikes me, I want to act on it immediately. Heaven help us if I ever decide to knock down a wall -- I'd probably pull out the sledgehammer and bring the whole house down upon our ears before I've checked to see if its load bearing. Waiting is hard because I spend half of the time being antsy and wishing for the time to come and the other half of the time chastising myself for being so impatient and antsy.

 2. When I am exhausted (which thanks to Ike's current episodic nightmares and ensuing wakefulness means pretty much all the time) I find myself eating....all.....day.....long....just to cope. As you can imagine this is not helping my fitness goals much. I think I may take up my seventh grade habit of writing on my hand and write in big letters -- YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY, YOU'RE JUST TIRED. STOP EATING!

 3. I find myself being jealous of other people's children. Or rather, jealous of their relationship with their children. This is ironic because obviously my idea of what their relationship is like is based on brief interactions usually in very planned/organized/fun environments.....its not like I'm showing up at their house fifteen minutes before bedtime. Isn't comparison a beast. If I was the swearing type I would have said its a b****, but you know that pretty much just stands for beast right? A friend of mine posted a quote on her blog from President Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of Joy." Amen Theo. Of course I adore my children -- mostly what I'm referring to is my feelings of insufficiency as a parent.

 4. A lot of big changes are coming my way this summer. For the most part I like change and I'm pretty adventurous, but lately I haven't been feeling so confident. This feels odd because I'm usually unnaturally optimistic. But like I said, I've been in a bit of a funk.

 So this week I've been giving myself a good talking to.....I've said, "Self, stop wallowing! Get Happy! Go forward with Faith and not Fear. And MY-LANTA!, stop eating everything within a ten foot radius of you! And for goodness sake beat that monkey of jealousy/comparison off your back -- you don't need back scarring when your front is scarred up enough from all those babies!"

 Mostly this mantra has been helping (except for that episode with the chocolate chip cookies last night), but hey we're all human right? So hopefully this is me getting out of my funk.

mommy days

My days are pretty unremarkable, like most moms it is pretty much Groundhog's Day with routines of diapers & pickles & tying shoelaces & singing elephant songs & chocolate chip cookies (those are what my routines are mostly comprised of). I loved this article (suggested by my friend Annie) about mothering & how the minutes of each day can feel like eternity -- in fact an eternity where someone is slowly ripping off you fingernails. Yet it is interspersed with magical moments of course that make it all worth it -- but then quickly followed by torturous moments nonetheless. Now that I've kind of adjusted to the idea that this is what mothering is all about: it is never perfect, it is always difficult, and it is sometimes fun, I can appreciate that those fun moments are more fun because of the difficulty preceding them.

This week is a pretty good example of those ups and downs so far. A simple trip to the fabric store on Monday resulted in a debacle of epic proportions for Gavin. He didn't want to play with his toys or his cousin Paylsei who met us there. He didn't want me to hold him. He didn't want me to put him down. He didn't even want the sucker I tried to bribe him with. I repeat THE BOY WAS REFUSING CANDY. He mostly just alternated between howling, screaming, attempting to head butt me, and generally just falling to pieces. Gina can attest that it was as if all the calamities of the world had rained down upon his head because I made the major misstep of trying to take him to a store that wasn't the park. As I left the store (which I never could have weathered if Gina hadn't been there in the first place), all covered in snot -- I did what any reasonable mother would do. I called my husband at work and told him that I think our 18 month old child may already be showing severe symptoms of ADHD. Mostly I was joking -- if I had to say I guess I would approximate that I was 78% joking and 22% serious. Of course Jordan did his bit as a good husband husband and reminded me that Gavin's intense individuality & precociousness is something we adore about him, although it also means he can be very high strung. We swapped a few funny stories about past debacles and of course by the time I was home I was feeling much better about my life. It did not hurt that the little boss had fallen asleep in the carseat and like all small children looked perfectly cherubic as I eased him out of the backseat and snuggled him for the next forty-five minutes of pure bliss.

Of course the nightmare of the day wasn't over & he was pretty whiny the rest of the day that he was awake. By this time I had figured out that the boy wasn't feeling well. I'm blaming teeth, but I guess it could still turn out to be just another cold. Don't worry though, he was still feeling well enough to get out all of the ashes from the fireplace and smear them all over himself while I made dinner. However, despite not feeling his best he woke up yesterday and decided to be a charmer all day. He was snuggly and jovial and while watching Sesame Street he learned how to say "cheese" for the camera (Thanks Elmo!), which I immediately exploited by taking a hundred pictures of him where he actually looked at the camera. At this point I called Jordan during nap time and said, I take back everything I said yesterday -- Gavin is an angel. But thats just the ebb and flow of mothering right? Somedays they are angels, most of the time they are not, but they are always ours. Or in this case mine, and that is what I really love I guess. Gavin is mine, as partially evident by his extreme curiosity & inability to sit still and by his extremely large dimple on his left cheek.





Now perhaps right now you are wondering why I have completely neglected to write about Ike in the past three paragraphs. It is purely because he was a school for the whole fabric store debacle, but believe me, Isaac has his own highs & lows. They are COMPLETELY different from Gavin's of course, but equally challenging and wonderful. If you actually know me in person, then you know that Isaac has his own challenges -- ones that come with labels and definitions and a whole lot of therapy -- but what you may not know about Isaac is that his is the gentlest soul that ever lived. Even if he could understand the concept of money, I'm pretty sure you couldn't pay him to hurt another living thing because he is incapable of intentional malice. Even when it would be warranted. For example both the boys love the bath time. Especially because our current bath tub is roughly the size of small swimming pool for them. Usually they are bathed together and then the song and dance begins. I bring the bath toys and one by one Gavin takes them from Isaac. Of course being the responsible adult I spend my time trying to make Gavin "share" with Isaac. But Isaac is all too happy to cede anything to Gavin that he may want. Also my intervention ultimately backfires when I try to give Isaac back the toy that Gavin has ripped from his hands and Gavin immediately starts trying to hit Isaac (yes I have a hitter) -- of course Isaac just bears all fo the hitting by completely turning the other cheek and when I get upset at Gavin for hitting his brother & scold him, Isaac starts to cry because I am angry and Gavin is crying. Of course he doesn't cry when Gavin hits him, only when Gavin is upset. Like I said, the gentlest soul that ever lived. And just in case you were wondering he is mine too.




And because I just admitted that I love that they are mine, now perhaps it will make a shred of sense why I have become oddly competitive with a ten year old girl. Or not the girl I guess, but more accurately Target. Lately Gavin has decided to designate one of his blankets as the official "blankie." Yep he needs it to go to sleep and if I let him he would probably drag it around the house all day with him -- I've even caught him given blankie kisses. Well this is all well and good (actually I think its kind of adorable) except for one minor fact. The "blankie" is not one of the probably eight quilts I have made for my little boys by of course a polka dotted fiend from Target, given to him by my niece when he was born. Now of course I love my niece, and if I'm being honest I love Target -- but for some reason (actually there is probably nothing reasonable about it, its probably complete insecure nonsense) I just want the chosen "blankie" to be one that his mother made for him. I mean after all his mine right? Mine. Mine. Mine. Possessive much? So of course this week I have attempted to replace "blankie" by making Gavin a new quilt -- hopefully soon to be the new "blankie." And I'm not playing fair. I have used the softest softies I can find, I used polka dots in a nod to the old blankie, an of course I appliqued a giant elephant on it since Gavin is currently in an elephant obsession. Right now Gavin thinks this quilt is perfect for playing hide & go seek, and that is where is we are at. I'm not going to rush him but I'm still crossing my fingers that this becomes his new lovie. Mature right?

Random Holiday Thoughts

1. When did we decide as a culture that the holidays=stress? I mean I know its a busy time of year but lets keep it real, most of that busy-ness is self-inflicted parties and gifts and christmasy traditions. Hard life I know. The other day I had the television on while I was working on some christmas projects and there were three or four back to back commercials that were all about the "craziness" of the holidays and surviving the holidays (even McDonald's new commercial). And I have had countless conversations recently where everyone from close friends to mere acquaintances starts harping about how difficult and stressful and hard the holidays are. Talk about a joy-kill. I guess I just keep thinking, hey if buying gifts for everyone on your list & attending holiday parties & sending out a christmas card & putting up christmas lights are that *stressful* then don't do those things. Really. Buy everyone gift cards, or better yet just make a donation in their name to a charity and call it good. Or honestly just write them a meaningful note and don't spend a dime. Stay home from the parties. Don't put up your tree. Don't send out cards. Life will go on. Probably no one will notice. I mean really NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Its not like there is a holiday policeman dolling out tickets for those who don't have an appropriate amount of Christmas lights up. I guess I just feel like those things should be joyful and if its going to cause you to grow ulcers or worse, if you are going to spend all of your waking moments complaining about how awful the holidays are its not worth it. I just wish that everyone (myself included) could remember that "Its the most wonderful time of the year!" Maybe I should start singing that the next time I'm around a kill-joy? I'm sure there are some moments when I will need to sing it to myself too. But I'm trying to remember that really deciding what to wear for a picture, or what to buy for a friend, or getting to make holiday deliciousness is a privilege (a very first world problem) not a trial.

2. As a photographer I generally keep up with photo trends (by viewing them, not necessarily doing them - I prefer to keep my style clean & hopefully classic)......one disturbing trend I've seen lately is photographers taking pictures of newborns in bird cages. Really? Anyone else creeped out by that one? Its right up there with babies on railroad tracks.

3. Confession: does anyone else have the "me-monster" come out when holiday shopping. I find it ironic that I can go to the store and not find something for my Mother-in-law, but drool over twenty items I am dying to buy for myself. Have pretty much not set foot in a store this season (trying to do it all online, on trade, or homemade) because honestly it drives me crazy that I find myself wanting to buy the whole store for myself when I go out shopping -- I think some marketers just know how to get me? And then I feel guilty over wanting things when I'm shopping for others, even if I don't buy it for myself. I feel guilty for the wanting. Yep, I'm pretty much pathetic. But that hasn't stopped me from starting a whole page on pinterest where I put up all the things I want to buy for myself. true story.

And now downer debbie Jandee will call back into small intestine she apparently just crawled out of. Signing off.

Life Happens

I originally was going to title this post -- "insurance adjusters are the devil" and then proceed to whine about all of my woes having to do with the SECOND accident we had on the freeway this past month (neither of which is our fault), that we are trying to get taken care of with the insurance, lets just say its a headache.......but instead I think the phrase that "life happens," just sums it up. Because lets be honest, no one's life is easy. Even if it looks so from the outside looking in.

I'm afraid that the past month has found me completely wrapped up in my own life -- its so easy to just get caught up in my own daily, but now the past couple days I've had a chance to catch up with good friends and its interesting how its always a little wake up call to me -- oh yes I'm not the only one with problems. And all things considered I'll take my problems over some of the ones I see loved ones dealing with.

Despite the headaches of July (or perhaps because of them), I've been trying to soak up the beauty of summer. Life really is a beautiful thing if I take the time to notice it. I've been meeting new babies (seems like there is a whole crop of friends having little ones this summer) -- and taking photos of families (my favorite!), and enjoying lots of fresh produce from the farm (am going to try and make rosemary mint soap tonight, wish me luck) and I've been running barefoot everywhere chasing two little boys.

Speaking of barefoot boys, lately I've been experimenting in faking "studio" looking shots in the backyard. I've been doing some really interesting stock shoots lately with this method and have been pleased with the results. If I ever get on the ball I hope to post a tutorial with some tips I've found helpful for those interested in faking "studio shots" of their own. The picture of Ike above is an out-take from a last night's experiment. If you know Isaac at all you will appreciate the complexity of getting him to smile in the direction of the camera, without running, while holding a piece of paper (literally shredding paper into teeny tiny pieces is his favorite activity ever). It was more of a rodeo than a shoot, but since it was just for practice I'm not complaining.

things I don't understand:

Obligatory photos (since all good blogs start with pictures right?)

Umm, try not to be to jeal of how over the top edible my little Gavin is....on vacation we found out he likes canoes, just not quite as much as Ike.

So basically I don't understand.......

1. Blogs devoted to outfits. Am I the only one who is entirely confused by this? Honestly who cares what you wear everyday and where you purchased everything from? And BTW its sorta creepy that you are posing whilst staring wistfully out into space while you document what you wear. Although, outfit posts seem to be so popular I'm sure that people who do them would probably read my blog and wonder why I feel the compulsion to post so many book reviews.

2. The 800 billion reality shows on T.V. I mean who is watching these things? I am the first to admit that a little bit of fluff T.V. (ahem, my Glee addiction), is pretty normal, but there are so many shows, the mind boggles that there are that many interested viewers.

3. the Ombre Hair style. As evident from confession number 1, obviously I'm not on the cutting edge of fashion, but the ombre hair style sorta looks like a home dye job gone wrong, that your novice roomie tried to help you fix giving you a bizarre and unnatural color....but hey I guess its one step up from the neon hair highlights I keep seeing people sporting.

good eating

I've posted quite a bit about this on the blog over the past year, but this year I've become even more conscious in the food choices, particularly the ingredient choices I use in our meals. The more I read and study, the more I want be purposeful on how I prepare our meals. This doesn't mean I'm always successful -- in fact today my boys had a Happy Meal for lunch (which actually makes me cringe a little while typing it), but overall I think as a family we are doing better. This week I did a lot of extra study on the subject for a presentation I was doing at our monthly Relief Society Meeting. I feel like I always put so much time and effort into preparing for those things and sometimes the information I find just gets set aside and forgotten (by me) afterwards, so I decided to blog some of the things I found so I would have record of them.

A blog I've really been enjoying on the subject is Word of Wisdom Living. Check it out, it is well written and insightful, not to mention the photography and design make me happy. This blog made me feel good about some of the initiatives I've tried to instate in our eating plan this year. Some things we are working on are:
1) Not using any ingredients that contain preservatives, artificial colors or flavors, and artificial sweeteners.
2) Using produce that is in season and if possible organic.
3) Eating free-range chicken. (We already have been eating all organic beef & pork from the family farm, pretty much always, but chicken is a new foray for us)
4) Eat more correct portions.
5) Avoid processed foods when we can make our own versions at home.

These initiatives we are working on are definitely a work in progress and by any means we are not perfect at them, but again while I was preparing for our activity I was encouraged to keep plugging along when I read quotes like this one:

and here is where I poke fun at myself

(Gavin being silly with Grandpa Max)

So in the past I have found myself explaining myself for my lack of blogging. I'll say something like, "things have been super busy, I've been doing this or this and this and this......" as I think about this, it is rather odd. First of all, does anyone really care why I haven't been blogging? Also, do I feel like I need to tell everyone how I've spent every waking moment so (heaven forbid) they don't suppose that I was just sitting on my duff eating cookies and watching TV. Anyone who really knows me probably wouldn't jump to that conclusion and what do I care if someone I don't know thinks so much. Or perhaps I'm so elitist that I write something like, "I haven't been blogging because I have a life." This is also a weird thought, because I know there are people with balanced, meaningful fabulous lives that find time to blog and there are people who are lazy, unbalanced and miserable who don't blog. Whether or not I blog and the frequency of blogging probably doesn't indicate a whole lot about my quality of life.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to fall into the trap where I don't blog for a while and then I put off blogging because I feel like I would have to "catch up" the blog with my actual life. I once fell into this dilemma with my actual journal. I missed a month and then for month after month I didn't pick it up because I felt like I would have to update everything that had transpired in my life for the past however many months. Luckily I eventually gave myself the "off the hook" card and just picked up my journal and wrote about where I was, right then, on that day. And despite the fact that about a year of my life has no sort of documentation whatsoever, I'm still surviving right? For all I know my house will burn down tomorrow and my entire life journal will disappear too.

time

(this photo has nothing to do with this post, I just love how it shows that furrow that Jordan gets in his brow when he is concentrating on something, that both my boys have as well).

Its ironic, but I spend a lot of time thinking about how I spend my time. Every morning once my baby goes down for his morning nap, I usually pull out some books and toys for Isaac to play with so I can "plan" the next 24 hours. I pull out my beloved planner and fill up the rest of the day and review the things I have already scheduled for the week, month, etc. (I am a self confessed goal hoarder).

Like most people I find myself caught between a lot of things that demand my attention. Some of these things are of my own election (all hobbies like photography, reading, sewing, painting, etc.) some are household responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands, bills) others are service opportunities and religious activities such as scripture study and the greatest demand upon my time is of course nurturing, teaching, and caring for my children (and of course my husband). For the most part I think all of the things I hope to do everyday are "good," things. But more and more I realize the truth in the statement that "a good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy or opportunity to take care of all the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do."

So I am back at the dilemma about how I spend my time, because while money can sometimes be in short demand -- time is really the only thing that is truly limited. I have been dedicating time from my personal study each day to come up with something, some sort of system to help me prioritize my time and make sure I am doing the best things and not just good things. I have tried a couple things and some have worked better than others, but this week I took time and actually wrote out how I want to prioritize my life. Sort of a daily mission statement. I think just taking the time to write it down was helpful. Now implementing it is the hard part. I have decided I want to somehow make a poster or reminder of this statement and hang it somewhere I will see it to constantly remind me of how I really want to spend my time.....but that brings me back to the dilemma of whether or not that is the best use of my time.......obviously I get a little lost in my thoughts sometimes and end up doing nothing because I am incapacitated with worrying that I will choose the lesser things -- I guess that is where blogging comes in. At least for today, right?

the brave thing

Went on a walk yesterday with some good friends and our motley crew of children strapped into strollers and some riding bicycles. The amount of planning a simple walk takes with young children is really quite remarkable. You feel like you are planning for a mini vacation as you pack up the juice boxes, snacks, extra pacifiers, blankets, even a change of clothes for the baby. It is all worth it once we finally get underway on the sunny day -- even if we do have to stop every two minutes to wipe a nose or find a fruit snack or tie a shoelace -- we are used to this, we are mothers. We do it everyday. It is not necessarily who we are, but it is what we do.

While we were walking we were discussing this book & interview that was on the Today Show. This book, 'Hiroshima in the Morning,' is a finalist for the National Book Critic Circle Award. It is a memoir about a woman who becomes disenchanted with being a mother and wife and decides to leave her family and instead live a more free life. Now I have not read this book, but I did listen to the interviews the author gave. For all I know its brilliantly written and it is not my intent to comment on the book, but I think what disturbs me about this whole thing is how the author is being lauded for her "bravery" to leave her family and embrace her desires and identity. She is being congratulated for her thoroughly feminist ability to do the "brave" thing and walk away from regularity.

My reaction to this is that there is no bravery in leaving......there is bravery in staying. There is nothing glamorous about being a mother. I think most young mothers can relate to that feeling of losing oneself in motherhood. Sometimes you can feel like your life is reduced to diaper changing, dealing with tantrums, cooking, cleaning, bath time, etc. It is difficult and physically demanding, and often times you feel like all of the talents you developed and the knowledge you worked so hard to amass in college is slowly spoiling while it sits in cold storage and instead you sing Old McDonald hour after hour. But it takes bravery to weather this, to know that the end will be better than the beginning. To be confident that the person you are is still there even if you can become a bit disconnected from it as you give yourself 110% to being a good mother. I think thats brave.

Now is it healthy for mothers to try and keep some of their identity? Yes. I can even understand the argument from some women that they feel like better mothers when they work away from the home and have some time away from their children. I get it. But walking away from your family because you are "done" being a mother. That I do not understand. And seeing this as a courageous action, I don't understand that either.

being followed

Am I the only one that finds the term "followers" in blogging a tad weird/creepy. I guess its one step up from stalking, but whenever I hear the word followers I picture a pack of random people following me a hundred feet behind whispering about every move I make. Perhaps I'm a bit melodramatic, but another scenario the term brings to mind is a cultish like vibe where all of the "followers" listen to their crazy cult leader. I don't love the whole "fan" concept on facebook either. I guess there is no pleasing me. Also I don't necessarily want to be labeled as a "follower" or "fan" myself for the blogs that I read -- I like to think I'm pretty original and I don't intentionally try to copy other bloggers which the term follower sort of implicates. We can read other people and think for ourselves right? Perhaps if they were called readers that would make me happy -- readers seems so harmless and normal. Should I start a petition to blogger that followers be renamed readers? Most likely I am the only person in the world that would care about the nomenclature of blogging.

Making chicken out of chicken.

So you know how I made some awesome declaration to start acting like an adult, all at once? It was pretty much baiting the universe to test me out.

Day 2 after declaring that I'm not going to complain about responsibility: flooding in our basement leads to costly (read: thousands of dollars) of repairs. Don't you just love old houses?
Day 5 has my two year old throw a tantrum so violent that he literally bruises his face and gives himself a fat lip --making me feel like the worst mother of the year.
Day 8 brings the startling discovery that husband has unplugged our deep freezer by mistake (several days ago) and hundreds of dollars of meat is now unthawed and on the cusp of going rancid.

Basically I've been pretty tempted to spiral back into my habit of whining and complaining -- but mostly I've been laughing somewhat hysterically -- you know that weird snorty laugh that people make when they're in shock right after they've been in a car accident. yep that one. Actually it is pretty funny. When I really think about how I decided last week that I was going to love being a grown up, Fate gives me a toothy grin and murmurs "wanna bet?" And hey perhaps all of this is my golden ticket to writing and then starring in the sequel to The Money Pit? In any event the freezer mishap allowed me to make that "lemonade" out of lemons that people are always telling you about. I was worried that the meat would go bad before I had time to refreeze it (luckily a good share of it was still frozen in the bottom) and the top half I decided to can using my pressure canner. (Here is a blog someone wrote with detailed info on canning meat) I've been meaning to can a good share of my meat for a while, but this was the literal kick in the pants to seize the day. And I must say that having it canned is heaven -- although Jordan thinks that it looks like I'm storing human organs in mason jars (it does look a bit creepy) -- see Exhibit A (i purposely chose the bottle with the least broth since it looks the weirdest)


However, tonight I used some round steak I had canned to make carne asada nachos supreme. I opened up the jar, shredded the very tender and juicy meat and dinner was ready in 15 minutes. The meat was the most tender shredded steak we've ever had. I guess being a grown up is still okay (is it somewhat ridiculous how much comfort and solace I take in food?)

I'm sure you want to see a crappy snapshot of my dinner right? Isn't that what blogger do......share details of their life no one could possibly care about?


Poignant Query for the day?
--Does it count if I eat chocolate (actually chocolate almond clusters) during my workout? Do I still get to check that daily work out off in my planner?

...being a grown up

(this picture has nothing to do with anything other than it is the funniest "self-portrait" I have ever taken, thanks to Ike.)

2010 was the year that I finally understood what my parents were talking about all those years when they tried to convince me that it was much more fun and fancy free to be a kid than to be an adult. As a teenager their stance seems completely nonsensical -- I mean adults get to do whatever they want right? They stay up late, buy things they want, go on vacations where they want, boss around their children -- life is just one big party. This delusion mostly continued up until last year. I mean there were a few bumps in the road, but I was still merrily eating my chocolate cake for breakfast since I was an Adult and could do whatever I pleased (and chocolate cake for breakfast is definitely pleasing), but at some point in 2010 that glass ceiling shattered and I found myself frequently complaining about being an adult -- sulking in almost an adolescent manner that "being a grown up sucks." This past week my eldest brother Ki got old(er) -- Happy Birthday Ki! Of course being completely me-centric the way I am, his birthday served as yet another reminder that I am "getting old," (its pretty pathetic when your brother's birthday becomes referential to your own age right?)

(the old birthday boy)

This year I will celebrate a birthday that is the first birthday I can remember my mother celebrating.....I don't know why that weirds me out, but perhaps it is because as a very small child my mom seemed to have it all together at my age -- she knew the answers. She was the supreme-all-knowing, in control of everything, mother. Regardless of how she felt (I'm pretty she didn't feel in control of everything, especially since she had just gone through the rather tragic loss of her husband and return to student life and was entering the workforce again as a single parent), but that was the way I saw her and my perception of her cannot be changed. So while I wish I was this always-in-control, confident adult -- having all the answers and making important life decisions left and right, I am not. And I suspect that most adults are not, no matter what they say. So I've decided that I'm not going to let being a grown up cramp my style this year (I know you are happy I'm recycling that phrase, 'cramp your style' from the 7th grade). I have made all sorts of good resolutions about being a better adult: like spending more responsibly and treating my body as something better than a "garbarator" that can and will devour everything crammed down its hole -- but I've also made the resolution to enjoy being a grown up instead of constantly complaining about it. I've gone approximately 49.2 seconds without complaining about something associated with responsibility so I'm making headway already. And double bonus, I just barely made plans to go on a tour of a candy factory with friends and their children and I fully plan on buying copious amounts of processed sugar that I will probably snack on at 2 a.m. when the cravings hit -- I guess being an adult does have some perks.

Oh yes, this year I tried to be all grown up and send an actual Christmas card. Some of them were sent the week of Christmas, but the other half stack are sitting on my desk waiting to be addressed. So if you didn't receive one, its because I'm a slacker (shocker right?) so here is your virtual copy -- pretend its addressed just to you.

The occasional rant (I guess I was due)

I haven't had much time to post on the blog lately -- I have all sorts of things I plan to post, but for some reason or another I don't find the time to do it and then I find myself writing notes in my planner to post on them later and pretty soon I start feeling guilty that I haven't posted them and crossed them off my list. And that my friends is a warped sense of duty. Since when did my blog become a line item? I was this close to deleting my blog yesterday because lets face it, I don't need another "to do" hanging over my head. Didn't I start this blog as a form of entertainment? And why should I feel guilty for actually living my life rather than photographing, editing, and uploading it? Case closed, I no longer feel guilty. Good thing I had that reality check in the nick of time. So now that I've let myself "off the hook" on posting, of course it would follow that I would take myself over to the computer and start a post. Perhaps this will be the only one I find the time for before Christmas, or maybe I'll get back in the posting mode and post ten things tomorrow, but either way I've decided this is non-obligatory activity and I can throw caution to the wind and stop blogging at any time. Isn't it funny how we sometimes start feeling like we "have" to do something? Especially something as dumb as blogging. **I feel like I can use the phrase "dumb as blogging," because I am a blogger, so obviously I'm not trying to make some sort of judgmental statement on any awesome blogger out there who may be reading this, it is more a self-deprecating statement about the type of blogging that I do on this blog (so don't be a hater okay?). For the record I think the blog world can be very thought-provoking, inspiring, entertaining, and fun -- but its been rather nice to be a bit unplugged for a couple weeks.

daily miscellany

My good friend Annie always gives me good advice, as we've been emailing back and forth (she recently moved *sniff sniff*), and commiserating (or chuckling about) all of our current woes, she mentioned how "time can fix just about anything." With the arrival of Gavin and some other changes in our life that I probably won't share with the www.world, our daily routine has changed drastically. As I feel l have reiterated in many a post, I am a creature of habit. Perhaps the reason I always loved ballet so much, from a very young age, was that there was something very comforting about doing the same thing everyday and perfecting that thing as you practiced over and over. I love the regularity of the barre, you do plies and move onto tendus and then degages.....but I digress. This change in routine has been a bit unnerving to me, but as time has moved on and I am figuring out a new routine lately I feel more like myself. So here is some random daily miscellany:

• I've been planning to do a big long post about the happy reunion in the Jones family. Our wonderful parents and my awesome brother-in-law have returned from their missions last week and we are overjoyed at having them home. We've had some great family parties since their return, here are some random pictures from them:

• I got to babysit two of my favorite girls for a day (and visit with their parents in the evening), while they were in town from Washington. We practically lived with the Dahl's last summer and I have been going through withdrawals since they moved, so nice to get a dose of them this summer, even if its only a small one.

(Kaylee knows how to work the camera right? and Riley has the prettiest curls on her sleepy little head)

• I managed to update my photography blog with some recent pictures, I have so many more pictures to upload, but with two little ones the computer time has been limited, hopefully I can get completely caught up in the near future.

• I've still been enjoying many late night nursing flicks (thanks Katie!) She introduced me to two new favorites:

Persuasion: I had seen the old BBC version where the actors were ancient, but I loved this one much more. When Katie gave it to me, she told me that Captain Wentworth was Mr. Hottie McButter-Pants and there was a really weird awkward kiss at the end. Amen and Amen Katie. Still awkward kiss aside, am definitely giving this one the thumbs up for you Austen fans!

Lars & The Real Girl: I am a big fan of satire/mockumentary in general. This movie is not 100% in that genre, in fact it has some very serious and sweet parts, but it also has that element of humor showcasing a typical "small town" rallying around one of its neighbors. Who knew that Ryan Gosling was such a great actor? I sure didn't. LOVED this movie. Can't wait to watch it again (also it was very clean content wise from what I can recall, which is a double bonus in my book).

Smile

This morning I was updating my photoblog with some recent photos of some very darling little people and I kept thinking about how much I love taking pictures of kids. Even though they don't usually follow directions and its next to impossible for them to pose, I love that whatever photo you manage to sneak of them it is real. I could never get Isaac to smile for the camera when he was a baby (as I mentioned here and here and here and here), but there is something about looking at all of his photos that makes me smile (probably because I'm his mom) and so that works for me. As I was looking at these photos today, I kept remembering a quote by Frederico Fellini that is one of my favorites:

"You have to live spherically -- in many directions. To accept yourself for what you are without inhibitions, to be open. Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm throughout the journey that is life, and things will come your way."

I'm sure if we, as adults could be more open and real in front of the camera -- with some of that enthusiasm, our photos would have that same intrinsic quality that makes them more interesting to look at, even if everyone isn't smiling.

P.S. If you ask a four year old girl to smile like a "disney princess," you may get something like this:
(which while it probably wasn't what you intended, is one of the funniest pictures of the day -- which princess do you think she's "being"?)

CBC Wrap up and Why I Blog

Over the weekend I grabbed my giant water bottle, a favorite pen and notebook and waddled my pregnant "whale-tank," errrr I mean body, around the Casual Blogger Conference. I'm not really the conference going type, but as I won my first ever giveaway to attend the conference (as I mentioned here) and my awesome friend, the highly entertaining Katie Chandler (you can read some of Katie's impressions about the conference here) agreed to go with me, I was really excited about the whole thing. The conference was not exactly what I had expected, although I'm not quite sure what I did expect so perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that it was a "unique experience," and I don't know that I came away emblazoned to embrace my inner blog diva, but it definitely had its thought-provoking and entertaining moments and made me think about why I blog in the first place. So first up here are my musings on the CBC conference in list form:

The Good:

• I went to several panels at the conference that featured many bloggers I have read before and some new faces. I was pleasantly surprised by how many of them seem just like their blog, unpretentious, friendly and perhaps even a tad insecure about speaking at an event like CBC in the first place. I think I would have been heavily disappointed if Marta had been a snob (she was entirely darling and charming) and Sugardoodle had been prude (she seemed like the quintessential perfect Beehive Advisor, complete with dimples), but luckily they seemed like the people I would have pictured reading their blog.
• Went to a lecture by an intellectual property attorney that instead of being dry and tedious was actually pretty funny and informative.....to sum up the lecture: be honest, be open, and don't freak out. In my opinion, any attorney who uses the phrase "freak-out" appropriately is a bit ahead on the learning curve as far as attorneys go.
• Went to a panel on religion and blogging that made me think about how I articulate what I believe in my everyday life -- meaning hopefully I do. I don't feel that every statement I make has to be dripping in "mormonese," however my religion in general and my specific beliefs as they pertain to my religion are an inherent part of who I am, and I shouldn't feel guilty or lame about posting things about it.

The Bad:

• The term "casual" was the most misleading thing about the Casual Blogger Conference. The definition of the word casual , means without serious or definite intent. I would say that sums up me perfectly, I blog about whatever, whenever I feel like it. I have no ulterior motive in my blogging other than it is a hobby (more about this later); however, after the conference Katie and I felt like 97% (and yes that ratio would be exact) of the attendees were women who are already or desire to be blogging professionals (meaning someone who makes their livelihood off of their blog). For the record I am not opposed to someone making a living off of their blog, if that is their talent and they are going to devote hours to it, away from their family, and they deliver a quality "product," who am I to care if they make money? I think I was just surprised because I felt like the conference was going to be directed to people who looked at blogging more as recreational or perhaps even as a vehicle to develop their writing skills, etc. Instead it seemed like everyone focusing on how to "attract clients," monetize their blog (or "monotonize," as one of the moderators kept repeating over and over to my great amusement), get sponsors, or find their "niche" (which actually was pronounced in a variety of odd ways, again to my amusement). In some ways it was kind of like showing up to a movie screening of Star Wars and being the only person who wasn't in full Darth Vadar or Chewbacca regalia. Katie and I were those two kids at the movie who were shrinking in the corner feeling weird we didn't have our own light saber. Good thing we had each other to keep eyeing whenever someone would make a comment like, "when should I hire an assistant for my blog," or "how can I get a corporate affiliate for my blog."
• While for the most part I enjoyed every panel I went to, I was very surprised by the some of the other "lecturers" or teachers at the event. It is not my intent to hurt anyone's feelings or demean anyone on a public space so I am not mentioning names, but when someone is billed as an expert in their field, speaking to a conference of hundreds of people I don't think its unreasonable to have expectations for that person to indeed be an expert. Someone who has received formal training or at least had many years work experience in the applicable field. For the record I have nothing against people who are self-taught or hobbyists......in most areas of my life I would consider myself to be self-taught. However I will not be teaching a class on painting anytime soon, because even though its something I've been doing for several years and enjoy I know I am not a professional and unlike my husband (who earned a degree in Painting and Drawing) I have no formal education and every painting I have done is hanging in my house or hidden in some crevice. One of the lecturers even had the audacity to say, (paraphrase) "I knew I wanted to be an authority on something I enjoyed, so I started playing around with my camera and made myself an authority on photography on my blog. And now people come to me for advice." I probably wouldn't have been so harsh on this individual, but some of the "advice" they gave in their lecture was in direct contrast to everything I learned in my photography classes, two of which were taught by someone who I consider to be a real expert (with a degree and experience). I know there can be more than one way to do something, but facts are facts when it comes to operating a camera and using exposure correctly. Yes this concludes a rant.
• Stereotypes. I hate to think that stereotypes exist because I want to believe that no one should be "labeled;" however, sometimes its not too hard to see why they are created. And while its comical, it is also somewhat sad and depressing that as I walked through the halls I kept overhearing snippets of conversations that could have been from TAMNers. I also wanted to come home and burn every item I own that is flounced with ruffles (of course I didn't because I still love ruffles, even if that makes me the most stereotypical mormon mommy blogger of all time -- at least I don't drink Diet Coke.)

The Ugly:

• Two words: Swag Bag. What do these two words conjure for you? I'm guessing it probably isn't the 800 "10% off" coupons and local business cards from numerous crafters. However I did score a free Cahootie (yes I am equally shocked that someone has actually patented and is marketing this -- whats next, is M.A.S.H. safe?) and a free Fun Friend (mine was a pink puppy) that will now become the Jones family penalty (that the loser must wear for one week) for every friendly wager Jordan and I come up with for each other.

If you are still with me on this very long post, congrats! You are probably in a very elite group of marathon readers who can make it through my wordy rants. If anyone ever tries to tell you that you are not an athlete, "they got nothin', " on your superhuman athletic reading skills. So now I come to the point of this whole post......after attending the conference I couldn't help but think about why I blog. Why do I devote time to it when I feel like I have so many other demands upon my time? I don't make money off it, I never will. I have few readers, and most of the things I talk about are probably very unimportant, just mundane details of my daily life. Well here are the reasons I came up with and they made me feel a whole lot better about the minutes or hours I've "wasted" in the opinion of many writing my blog:

• I enjoy it. I am a naturally expressive person and while I would feel guilty beleaguering most people in my life with my thoughts on books I read or with discussions on lame home projects, I can post these things on my blog and pretend that there are people who find them interesting. My husband and mom are probably grateful as well since its only fun to hear someone talk about books for so long right?
• It helps me keep in touch with people. Last week I got together with a dear friend from my childhood, she is attending graduate school across the country in North Carolina and we rarely get the chance to catch up or visit, but when we got together last week she at least knew the gist of what was going on in my life thanks to my blog and it was fun to talk about things like gardening and books that we may not even have discussed if I hadn't posted all about my gardening fetish. (Melissa, seriously you have to start your own blog!) Also I have lots of family in far off states or even countries who get to see regular pictures of my son and hear about him through this blog.
• It helps me celebrate small victories. Yes it is lame that I'm posting before and afters of my gardening shed or book re-covers, but sometimes its good to recognize these trivial projects if only to reaffirm to myself that I do indeed do things. Even if it feels like I lead an unimportant and quiet life as a stay-at-home Mom, I know that I'm working hard within my own small sphere to improve and try new things (even if they don't work), and learn. And while my glory days of dancing are over, and I am not going to receive a Pulitzer, thats okay because I "own" small organizing projects and researching and learning pitiful small hobbies. And for the most part I am in love with my daily adventures, even if it means I spent the whole morning pulling out all of my books and flipping through the pages looking for Jordan's drivers license that Isaac has hidden somewhere in the bookshelves.

Yes it is true I have this weird fantasy that someday I'm just going to delete my blog (after I've taken the time to get all of my stuff printed first......yes that is on the "to do" list) and my few and far between readers will wonder what happened to "that girl who likes to read and do other random things," but for right now I 'fess up to enjoying blogging, even if that does put right where I belong in the moosh of the stereotypical mormon mom.

Procrastination

(took this picture the first week I bought my first SLR -- I still think my alarm clock is pretty much perfect, even if this picture isn't)

I have a project to finish on the computer......its not huge (at least the part I have left), but it is somewhat tedious and right now I'm feeling like its Saturday (because it is) and I want to procrastinate finishing.....here is the only problem I've already given myself the pep talk that "I'm not going to do anything else," until I finish that project......so that leaves me with doing nothing. Which I'm not really good at so I end up doing sort of nothing, which means blogging a lame post like this, making new lists in my planner, reorganizing my email folders and cutting my fingernails entirely too short. So now I'm wondering, "self, why do you give yourself that ultimatum.....that it was that project or nothing?" -- obviously I am choosing nothing.......shouldn't I have at least given myself the option of doing the project or something? But then would it really be procrastination? Deep thoughts for my Saturday afternoon.

Complaining.

Photo by Me.

Today as part of my daily study, I read this talk by Elder Holland, that is one of my favorites. I have to reread it every couple months to give myself the much needed wake up call, when I am tempted to complain about all of the things that aren't going perfectly in my life (like the fact that I've gained a million "baby" pounds.....again, or that I'm always tired, or I don't have enough hours in the day to get things done, and don't even start me on finances & salespeople). I don't consider myself a complainer for the most part; however as Jordan can attest (or anyone who has read my blog, i.e. this post), I definitely have my moments. And even when I don't frequently complain it is a constant temptation for me.

After reading this talk today, I took a few moments and thought about the people in my life who do not complain. Instantly a few specific people came to mind. Each of these individuals do not have an "easy" or "golden" life by any means. In fact, I know about some huge trials that they face; however, I never hear them complain about their lot or belittle others or themselves. In each case these people are refreshing to be around, when I have spent time with them I feel happier when I leave them, than when I met them. What a wonderful power to have over someone. It seems that without even trying they can just make my day. In contrast, when I have spent time with someone who complains excessively its amazing how quickly I find myself becoming more depressed about things in my own life. It seems as though complainers have a dementor-like (HP reference) ability to suck all of the happiness directly from my soul and I find myself exhausted afterward.

The more I thought about these two groups of people, I realized which camp I wanted to be in (and its not the one that would have me in costume like a grim reaper). So the goal for one week is to follow Elder Holland's maxim, "No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse," and try to go a solid week without complaining. NOT COMPLAINING AT ALL. I'm not quite sure if I can do it, I mean sometimes it is second nature to casually complain about something frustrating that happens in the day, but nevertheless if it only makes me aware of how much I really am complaining it will be a successful experiment (and I'm sure Jordan won't mind it either). Wish me luck.

The constancy of parenthood

This past year I developed a small love affair with the baby giraffe (and several other baby animals), during our frequent trips to the Hogle Zoo. There is something so awkward, yet endearing about the little guy that I adore. He is all knees, legs, and neck (which actually is a pretty accurate description of myself all through adolescence) and looks completely uncoordinated. With that preface, you can imagine how sad I was when I read that he had unexpectedly died. As Jordan and I discussed it, both of us were dumbfounded how this could happen. I mean the animal lives in a zoo..... aren't people paid to monitor his every day and provide a perfectly balanced diet & medicine? And these people aren't bums of the street, they are trained professionals who study the needs of the animal for their living!

After that initial discussion, I didn't really think much about the episode until a couple weeks later when I was going through some pictures and saw my little giraffe friend. I thought back to the story and how the zoo officials had blamed the inexperienced Mother Giraffe for the death for her lack of attention and maternal instinct. General Conference was still fresh on my mind, with its heavy emphasis on the importance of parents, particularly mothers, in the rearing of children.... and I began to see a parallel in the giraffe story to some problems several people close to me are going through. And I realized once again what a big job parenting is and how it is completely irreplaceable (even trained professionals cannot do what a parent can do).

Parenting is more than a full time job as there are no days off, no weekends, no vacations, and literally no sick days. Moreover, there isn't even retirement, since I'm sure I will worry about Isaac (and all my other children) until the day I die, even after they have left home and begun to rear their own children. In the human world our children don't often physically die from parental neglect (granted it happens in horrible isolated experiences that make me heartsick when I hear about them in the news), but often they do "fail to thrive." It doesn't matter what school they attend, who their doctors are, and often even who their extended family are -- if the parents are not present and actively involved with their children, they don't thrive spiritually, emotionally, and often intellectually. Now I don't mean to say that all children who do not thrive are the result of bad parenting -- I know to many really good parents who just have children with unique challenges to make such a stupid blanket statement. But I do know that many children who are attention starved and who are not taught moral values from an early age often bear the "failure to thrive" marks for their entire lives.

Going back to the story of the giraffe I realized that I am in the same category as Jamar's mom. I am a first-time inexperienced mother. And while Ike is robust and healthy as ever physically, it is all to easy to worry about all the other areas of his development and constantly question, "Am I doing enough?" Do I read to him enough? Do I praise him enough? Do I work hard to teach him consequences enough? Do I discipline him enough? Do I _______ enough?" I frequently find myself jumping in my guilt "gerbil wheel" and start running the "am I enough" cycle and of course going nowhere. And my child is 19 months old. Wow I may just have an aneurism before he becomes a teenager. However, the more I have thought, prayed, and studied about how to be a better mother, one reassuring thing I've come to is that sometimes being a constant parent, even when you are tired and quite frankly fed up with the business, is the best you can do. What I mean by being a constant parent, is not the helicopter mom who is hovering over her children (physically and emotionally) every second to direct their every movement, but instead being the the best type of parent you can all the time. To be available. To try and react to your children and their problems in a way that reflects your beliefs and love for your child. This is an insurmountable task. It requires you to actually think/remember what you believe and how you love your child all the time and not get distracted by your knee-jerk reactions that start you yelling, "you did what?" in a heated passion. But nevertheless it is something to aspire to, and as I am learning more each day about what it is to be a mother, I am hoping and praying that it is a skill I can develop. Because I am realizing more each day that the way my children "thrive," especially spiritually, will depend in a large part upon the way that I interact with them. Phew, talk about a job description. Good thing the job comes with such excellent perks right? Lets just hope I can remember all of those perks that enticed me to accept the job in the first place on a daily basis. I guess that is daily challenge number one ----which is followed by challenges 2-3000.